The Silent Death of John Smith

Recently a pal from University, who I’d lost touch with, tracked me down through a couple of Google searches and a hopeful phone message. The mobile number he left didn’t work, so I retaliated and searched for him in turn. Two hits later, turns out he’s now married, to someone from Southampton; is a hotshot lawyer; and is still the handsome devil he ever was.

It’s a familiar story. However, both searches were helped by the fact neither of us have particularly common names (makes you wonder how effective similar searches are in Wales). Which, coincidentally, is an emerging trend. As the lust after individuality which began in early modern times now licks its own mirror to the tune of our celebrity culture, parents are opting more and more for less obvious names. It’s thank you and goodnight for John Smith, and hello Sunshine Turtle-Harrison.

Which in turn will feed Facebook, Bebo - and whatever comes after them and makes them look like electronic post-it notes. The balloon of social networking gets punctured by the pin of a common name: put in ‘Peter Williams’ and you can hear it pop and deflate. Fortunately, even surnames are changing, probably more than they have for five hundred years. There are far more double-barrelled names, either through divorce, or a more equal divvying up of parents’ monikers; the double barrelled name now has nothing to do with class. Has it, Kylie Duncan-Flap?

In short, when it comes to names, you’re going to need something a little bit more individual if you’re going to play any part in mainstream society in the future (*licence for dubious argument pending). But never fear, largely because we’re more self-obsessed, vain and increasingly rubbish at marriage, individuality can be yours (in name, at least).

It’s often said that today’s “selfish society” could never fight a World War. Once conscription was announced, too many people would explain that war “wasn’t right for them” or that it “didn’t fit with their personal brand”, which of course would be fair enough. On a brighter note, assuming that were true, with our funky names and our social networks, at least it would be easy to make contact with the few survivors.