Government to sell off air molecules

It was announced today that the Government is consulting on whether to sell off the UK’s air molecules.     

A spokesman said: “It’s madness to allow something this crucial to the UK’s economy to simply languish in the public sector. Instead we wish to bring to air the principles of fair competition in the market, and professionalization of services.” The spokesman added that he thought there would be “quite a bit” of interest in oxygen in particular, but that there would be less interest in methane and carbon dioxide, with specialist providers being the front runners, especially for xenon and ammonia.

It's thought that several large marketing agencies will bid for Neon and Krypton molecules and lease them out for big campaigns - 'Your Name Here in Neon', 'Not Even the Man of Steel Can Survive These Molecules - Not Without Murray Mints', and so on. 

When pressed, the spokesman said he thought it was “highly unlikely” that one provider would look after all the elements that go to make up the atmosphere over the UK. It was unclear how all the different companies will work together, or even whether UK citizens will still be able to breathe after the sale.     

Oh, wait, this just in, turns out the government has done a U-turn and has dropped the whole idea.

Bored Stupid By An Eight-Goal Thriller

To Newcastle, a few Saturdays ago, for a stag do. Stag himself is no follower of the beautiful game, but despite this at half three we find ourselves in a strangely quiet bar where the local match against Arsenal is being played.

We squint at the screen for the score. Astonishingly, Arsenal are beating Newcastle 4-0 – and only thirty minutes gone. The bar is entirely silent. Grim-faced Geordies listlessly watch the action.

We get a round in, and sit in front of it for an hour. It’s very much a game where one team is in the ascendant, and the other’s utterly crushed. Diaby gets sent off, but it doesn’t make any difference – aside from supplying something approaching an incident in an otherwise drab game. About half four, one of the chaps suggest we go check into our hotel, so we slope off. Behind us, we hear a cheer – Newcastle must have grabbed a consolation goal. Some consolation.

By the time we get back, it’s Final Score – and of course Newcastle have pulled it back to 4-4 in one of the greatest fightbacks in Premier League history. We’ve managed to see most of the match, and still miss all eight goals in an eight goal thriller. There’s a certain kind of dumb skill to this – though I can’t think how to apply it anywhere else, or what its benefits could possibly be.

Later, on ‘Match of the Day’, Alan Shearer says what a good match it was. It blinkin’ wasn’t if you missed the goals, it was dull as hell.

                                              Nope, didn't see that either

It was like going to a comedy festival and being in the Gents for every single punch-line. 


Still, could have been worse – we might all have been Abou Diaby.