Bored Stupid By An Eight-Goal Thriller

To Newcastle, a few Saturdays ago, for a stag do. Stag himself is no follower of the beautiful game, but despite this at half three we find ourselves in a strangely quiet bar where the local match against Arsenal is being played.

We squint at the screen for the score. Astonishingly, Arsenal are beating Newcastle 4-0 – and only thirty minutes gone. The bar is entirely silent. Grim-faced Geordies listlessly watch the action.

We get a round in, and sit in front of it for an hour. It’s very much a game where one team is in the ascendant, and the other’s utterly crushed. Diaby gets sent off, but it doesn’t make any difference – aside from supplying something approaching an incident in an otherwise drab game. About half four, one of the chaps suggest we go check into our hotel, so we slope off. Behind us, we hear a cheer – Newcastle must have grabbed a consolation goal. Some consolation.

By the time we get back, it’s Final Score – and of course Newcastle have pulled it back to 4-4 in one of the greatest fightbacks in Premier League history. We’ve managed to see most of the match, and still miss all eight goals in an eight goal thriller. There’s a certain kind of dumb skill to this – though I can’t think how to apply it anywhere else, or what its benefits could possibly be.

Later, on ‘Match of the Day’, Alan Shearer says what a good match it was. It blinkin’ wasn’t if you missed the goals, it was dull as hell.

                                              Nope, didn't see that either

It was like going to a comedy festival and being in the Gents for every single punch-line. 


Still, could have been worse – we might all have been Abou Diaby.