Wanted: Job Title Jockey (good hours)

Job titles: we’re not being imaginative enough. My friends, Something Must Be Done. We owe it to that bundle of unused business cards crunching in your pocket to develop their potential. It’s not enough to be a ‘Client Manager’ any more; our own personal brands demand more than merely ‘Services Operative’, or even the slyly deceptive ‘Publishing Executive.’

No, what we need to see on business cards is: ‘Saviour of the Planet (Mon-Weds only)’. Put aside ‘Business Manager’, let’s see ‘Product Panjandrum’. Forget ‘Internal Marketing Manager’, let’s have ‘Mission Statement Messiah’.

Failing that, perhaps we could go the opposite way and have refreshingly frank job titles instead. ‘Panic Merchant.’ ‘Consummate Politician’. ‘Director of Own Personal Ego.’ For the colleague on whom good ideas tend to snag, and never progress: ‘Ian Briggs, Corporate Barbed Wire Fence.’ For the fussy colleague who prefers detail over activity: ‘Rose Humphries, Niggle Tsar'. And for the colleague quick to snuggle up to senior managers when they heave into view: ‘Anthony Williams, Apple Polisher.'

Quark: you’re fired.

Quark’s English for Commercial Travellers No 2

‘Henderson’: Former schoolmate or work colleague who forces you to get back in touch via Facebook or similar, even though you knowingly cut all contact with them years ago (source: Kevin Henderson, Class 4B, Trinity School, Croydon – the original and worst perpetrator)

Killer Ladybirds threaten the galaxy

Quark Towers has come under attack. Ladybirds of every description are everywhere. You can see them, small black dots clinging to the curtains as if someone has shaken all the full stops out of a novel.

They’re marching across the carpet in highly drilled formations, and the more fanciful amongst us fully expect to see a diminutive brass band bringing up the rear, playing ladybird MOR classics, with one eye on the Christmas market for an iTunes only download. In short, they’re aware of technology too.

Oh sure, they seem cute. Oh sure, they seem harmless. But Quark can assure you this is nothing less than an invasion. Don’t be fooled: those shells are helmets. And they can fly. Be prepared to be divebombed by ostensibly cute, ultimately deadly small insects.

One of these days we’ll wake up and St Paul’s cathedral, St Peter’s in Rome and Sacre Coeur all boasting domes coloured scarlet with large black dots. And then, my friends, you’ll remember my words; but by then, it’ll be too late.

We need to rearm now.

‘Daily Quark’ campaign for warmer weather succeeds

The ‘Daily Quark’ campaign for warmer weather has succeeded. Temperatures are soaring into double figures as our quarktastic campaign sends the cold fronts packing. Gordon Brown, UK Prime Minister, said yesterday: ‘I fully support the Daily Quark’s inspired campaign to stop cold weather coming into this country. And I will continue to do so as long as there is any chance of such support delivering me votes. Brrr.’

Without the ‘Daily Quark’ campaign, Britain would have suffered early morning frosts as early as October, icicles would have appeared on the noses of any goblins who happened to be in the area and glove sales would be up again for the second year running. Thanks to the ‘Daily Quark’, foreign cold fronts have been banished from our shores, and Britain has been kept for British weather. [See page two of your warmfrontderful ‘Daily Quark’ for our new campaign to stop the sea coming in]