Killer Ladybirds threaten the galaxy

Quark Towers has come under attack. Ladybirds of every description are everywhere. You can see them, small black dots clinging to the curtains as if someone has shaken all the full stops out of a novel.

They’re marching across the carpet in highly drilled formations, and the more fanciful amongst us fully expect to see a diminutive brass band bringing up the rear, playing ladybird MOR classics, with one eye on the Christmas market for an iTunes only download. In short, they’re aware of technology too.

Oh sure, they seem cute. Oh sure, they seem harmless. But Quark can assure you this is nothing less than an invasion. Don’t be fooled: those shells are helmets. And they can fly. Be prepared to be divebombed by ostensibly cute, ultimately deadly small insects.

One of these days we’ll wake up and St Paul’s cathedral, St Peter’s in Rome and Sacre Coeur all boasting domes coloured scarlet with large black dots. And then, my friends, you’ll remember my words; but by then, it’ll be too late.

We need to rearm now.