I Am Wearing The Hat Of An Alien Nobleman

At the Football Christmas Dinner-Dance this Tuesday friend Terry arrived sporting a rather handsome winter hat. It was one of those Russian jobs, all fur and flaps that make you like Muttley. Fantastic.

I asked Tel two or three times where he’d got it from, to the extent that he (understandably) ended up squawking, ‘I don’t know, all right?’ And even, ‘Leave me alone, stop ringing me, it’s 4am! Right, that’s it, I’m going to call the police.’ To be fair, the central tenet of the average Football Christmas Dinner-Dance is to sufficiently indulge yourself that you’re only dimly aware what your name is, let alone where you once bought a hat.

Undeterred, I set out last night to find my own Russian Muttley hat. I’ve blogged at work about how shopping for me - as with many right-thinking people – is essentially a race to the finishing post, rather than a pleasure in itself. This time, though, The Hat Had To Be Right. If I was going to look ridiculous, I was going to look my kind of ridiculous. Oh yes. It’s a distinction, though admittedly not an honourable one.

Ten shops later, I found it. Fizzing with fur, flapping with flaps, and strappy with under-chin straps. Arctic winds, I Am Ready For You Now. ‘Aaaaaandsome.

However, I feel obliged at this point to explain my purchasing decision. It immediately occurred to me as I stuffed it on my bonce in River Island that the hat was very much in the style of the Graff Vynda K, a character in the 1978 Doctor Who adventure ‘The Ribos Operation’. So much so, I was half-expecting some really dodgy special effects to creep up behind me and flop onto my shoes.

I’m convinced this comparison would have occurred to almost anyone, once they’re tried the thing on. I mean, it was pretty obvious (see photo above of me trying the hat on, ably assisted by a terribly helpful member of staff).

In fact, I can’t believe this wasn’t intentional on the part of River Island’s buyers. I can see the marketing meeting now: ‘Right, let’s start. Everyone got coffees? Good. Now, anyone seen ‘The Ribos Operation’ – Tom Baker, 1978? No…?’

The whole shopping trip was so successful that I’m determined to base all future retail decisions on the style choices of fictional alien noblemen from doubtful late 70s science fiction. After all, it’s a proven formula.

It also enables me to write a blog with a title that sounds like a really bad translation.